‘People make Places. Places make People’.... In 2011 villagers began an online Open Archive on an informal basis. We have been recording events, logging images, sharing ideas and making comments. Think of it as a kind of ‘library’ where you are free to browse. And, if you would like to contribute a ‘document’, go to ‘register’ and complete the application. Then you can help ‘fill up the shelves’.

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Submitted by: Heskie       On: 15/4/2011 at: 09:32       Location: Drimpton

Pantomime - The Pictures - 3

Now meet the The Baron’s Gang:
MONTMORENCY (Bob Shepherd), CLUTTERBUCK (Mel Newman), CHOLMONDELEY (Nina Corbett), FANSHAWE (Alan Clark), and
IGOR, the Baron’s servant (Rod Bracher) - no photograph of Rod - probably on a cruise at the time!
Then The Duke's wards:
MELODY (Charlotte Marshall), HARMONY (Rosie Marshall), SYMPHONY (Olivia Bryant).
Featuring the hero:
CHARLIE CHIZZLEWICK (Robert Fooks)

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Submitted by: Heskie       On: 15/4/2011 at: 08:31       Location: Drimpton

Pantomime - The Pictures - 2

More of the Muffet sisters (MARTHA MUFFET, (Ella Horne), POLLY MUFFET, (Grace Dawson), MARY MUFFET (Emily Elliott). Also the orchestra wondering where all the other musicians had gone - Duke of York’s PIANIST (Carol Saunders) and Mrs ROW, postwoman (Kay Porteous)

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Submitted by: Heskie       On: 15/4/2011 at: 08:10       Location: Drimpton

Pantomime - The Pictures

The Grand Old Duke and Mona managed to snap a few photographs on Dress Rehearsal night, hopefully enough to allow you to enjoy the depth, the quality, the dramatic details, the history, the glory, the fine marching songs, and the fun.

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Submitted by: shep       On: 9/4/2011 at: 18:39       Location: Drimpton

The Royal Oak

Great to see that we now have in the village for the time being, some stability/reliability in the tenancy of our local pub, The Royal Oak. I suspect that all 'pub goers' would wish the new tenants all the best for the future business they have ventured into but ...whoa ...wait a minute..their success will partly be due to an assured patronage by the locals as well as any passing or tourist trade..So use it or loose it as 'they' say..good luck to Chris and Sandy...

Submitted by: chubb       On: 5/4/2011 at: 09:18       Location: Drimpton

Update on the chicks

The chicks all 40 are all doing fine, 6 of them decided to have a day out and decided to visit the local school in Broadwindsor.
They were well behaved with the odd poo on the carpets and one poor teacher having one poo on her hand. The children really loved to see them and all took it in turns to handle them, they asked questions on what sex they were and what colours would they be when grow up. The main interest came from all the teachers with such interest we had to ensure we left the school with all 6 incase one of the teachers took one home. Picture shows some of the children handling them.

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Submitted by: andrew       On: 2/4/2011 at: 17:27       Location: Drimpton

From village newsletter for April 2011



Your village needs YOU!
Come and find out more at the meeting of the AGM
of Drimpton Village Hall & Recreational Trust on
MONDAY 4th APR at 7:30 pm in Drimpton Village Hall
All villagers welcome, especially if you have some time
to spare to help keep the village hall operating!

*********
St MARY’S
SUN 3rd APR, 9.30am: SERVICE for MOTHERING SUNDAY led by Rev Sue Symons
TUES 5th APR, 7.00 for 7.30pm: ANNUAL PAROCHIAL CHURCH MEETING. Open to all. Review the past year - plan the future. Refreshments beforehand.
FRI 22nd APR: A Meditation for Good Friday at 11.00am led by Neville Adams
SUN 24th APR: Easter Day Eucharist Service at 9.30am with Rev Sue Simons

*********
YOUTH CLUB NEWS – message from Mike Saunders:
A big thank you to Libby and Carol for guiding our members (and Dads!!) through a great clay modelling adventure.
We have room for more members age group 7 – 16 years so come along to our next meeting to see if you would like to join us.

FRI 8th APR 6.30-8.30pm. Normal activity at the Village Hall. Bring your ideas for our next outing.

********
JUMBLE SALE
On SAT 9th APRIL at the Village Hall at 2.00pm
Refreshments available
The Hall will be open from 10.00a.m. till 12.00p.m to receive donations of jumble, bric-a-brac and cakes. Please call Beryl if you need your donation to be collected.
Proceeds for Netherhay Chapel funds.

********
ROYAL OAK
SUN 3rd APR: PUB QUIZ from c8.00pm. Bring a team or form one on the night.
SAT 9th APR: Live Music from JOHN de BARRA, rock singer and guitarist
FOOD served lunchtime and evenings TUESDAYS to SATURDAYS. See boards.

********
WED 20th APR 7.15 for 7.30pm: GARDENING CLUB MEETING at the Village Hall to include a SWAP & SHARE of your surplus seedlings, cuttings, plants, and seeds. And if you have nothing to swap, make a small donation and walk off with what you want. It’s a new venture for the Club. Who knows how it will go?
There will also be feedback on last year’s Summer Show and the introduction of this year’s schedule, too. The meeting is open to members and non-members alike.

********
SUN 24th APR: Easter Sunday – ‘Easter FunDay’ at Netherhay Chapel from 10 to 11.00am. An all-age Easter morning service with coffee. Easter egg hunt and children’s activities. Everyone and all families welcome.

********
BREAKING NEWS - DRIMPTON FUN DAY on SAT 20TH AUGUST 2011
Royal Air Force Red Arrows have confirmed that they plan to be over Drimpton to close our Fun Day at 3.45pm. If you have any power over the weather, please use it!

********
And finally: A message from a dog owner/dog walker
Although it is appreciated that most dog owners ensure that any fouling by their pet (s) is removed from roadways and pavements, this appreciation however does not extend to the subsequent throwing of the plastic bags into hedgerows, or even left on the pavement. Please contribute to keeping Drimpton a pretty and clean village by disposing of such waste at home.
Thank you


Submitted by: stanleyG       On: 2/4/2011 at: 10:01       Location: Drimpton

Weather

RAINFALL AT DRIMPTON CROSS IN MARCH 2011-04-01
20.25 mm.(’10 98 mm) or .8 ins.(’10 3.8 ins)
Following the coldest Winter for over 100 years we have now had one of the driest months of March for 50 years, but it came with the bonus of higher than average sunshine which is always welcome. I looked back over the past five years to get an idea of how dry it had been and found the following (in inches), ’09 – 3
’08 – 4, ’07 - 3.4, ’06 – 4, so less than an inch is indeed very dry, but at least it has helped the gardeners to prepare for Summer !


Submitted by: chubb       On: 31/3/2011 at: 11:58       Location: Drimpton

Chicks have hatched and the Germans have arrived!!

Photo shows a batch of chicks that hatched over the last two days, just out of the incubator and ready to go under the heat lamps. hopefully some of these will be ready to show later in the year.

Pictures show a male and female German langshan, this is a new breed for the chubb family and cannot wait to hatch some of these, they are supposed to have long legs and a even height of head and tail, resembling the shape of a wine glass.


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Submitted by: andrew       On: 29/3/2011 at: 21:01       Location: Drimpton

Pantomime - The Script

Here is the complete script of our 9th original village pantomime. Feel free to perform it yourselves!

The GRAND OLD DUKE OF YORK – DRIMPTON 2011 – by Andrew Pastor
SCENE 1: On the Hill outside the Cave. Signs around say things like, ‘No Singing’. ‘No Marching’. ‘Singers will be silenced’. ‘Marchers will be mashed’, etc
[STICK enters through curtains. He sounds a lengthy fanfare on his toy trumpet!]
STICK: [to audience] Settle down. Settle down. Stop shuffling in the ranks. [pause] That’s better. Welcome to York Hill. I am Sergeant Stickleback, the Duke of York’s right hand man – and his left hand man as it happens. It is good to see so many new recruits here today. Not quite the 10,000 we were hoping for – but we’re on the way. Although you don’t have your military uniforms yet, we can make a start. And as everyone knows, the most important thing in the Duke of York’s Army is… The Song! I am sure you already know it, don’t you? [He hurries through a spoken version with gestures] “The Grand Old Duke Of York. He had 10,000 men. He marched them up to the top of the hill. And he marched them down again. When they were up, they were up. And when they were down, they were down. And when they were only half way up……” What were they? Correct: “They were neither up nor down.” Now your first military action is the singing of the song. With gusto, I might add! No half measures! And no miming!! So clear your throats…… and after a short musical intro you’re going to let rip and we’re going to get this show off the ground. [STICK turns to pianist] They’re as ready as they’ll ever be. 1..2.. [leads and encourages the singing]……..
SOLDIERS enter singing from side door and head for stage:
INFANTRY SOLDIERS enter singing from KITCHEN DOOR and head for stage:
[ALL SOLDIERS march up and down, on and off stage.]
SOLDIERS: Oh, the Grand Old Duke of York
He had 10,000 men
He marched us up to the top of the hill
And he marched us down again. [SALUTE]
And when we were up, we were up. [SALUTE]
And when we were down, we were down.
And when we were only half way up, [SALUTE]
We were neither up nor down. [REPEAT]
[MARCHING ends with all SOLDIERS dotted about the HALL being busy.
DUKE: [entering from BACK OF HALL, singing, heading for the stage]
Oh the Grand Old Duke of York.
I have 10,000 men.
I march them up to the top of the hill
And I march them down again…
STICK: [interrupting DUKE] Hang on, your honour.
DUKE: I say, old bean, interrupting a Duke when he’s singing his song, is not on.
[DUKE reaches stage and goes up to STICK.The ‘mouse’ escapes. PIKE & SARDINE begin to hunt for it on hands and knees round Hall.]
STICK: But, your lordship, haven’t you noticed that many of what you keep calling ‘men’, are not.
DUKE: Not what?
STICK: Not men.
DUKE: [taking STICK to one side] Of course, I had noticed. I’m not blind,
Sergeant Stickleback. It’s just that I didn’t want to refer to the you-know-what of some of the troops.
STICK: The ‘you-know-what’, Sir?
DUKE: [whispering] Their… youth.
STICK: And?
DUKE: Their…. complete lack of moustaches.
STICK: And?
DUKE: And….. a certain lack of height.
STICK: Nothing else, Sir? Well?
[DUKE approaches HADD, CUTT & HALI, who stop reading.]
DUKE: I suppose some of them could do with a haircut.
STICK: Some of them have long hair, Sir, because they are in fact…. girls. Not me, of course!
COD: [sounding tough] Nor me!
DUKE: [surprised] Some of them are girls?
DUKE: [checking with STICK?] This one?
STICK: Yes, Sir.
DUKE: And this one? [STICK nods] And this one?
STICK: Yes, Sir. [goes to MINN & SPRAT on steps] And before you ask, so is this one, and this one. [hurries on to SKATE & FLOUN] And this one and this one [hurries on to trio/quartet of girls at back of Hall] And this one, this one and this one. [STICK hurries back to stage, exhausted.]
DUKE: [thinking hard] How come, we’ve got…girls? [STICK is helped on to stage by COD, who moves to front left corner.]
STICK: [gasping for air] Equal Opportunities, Sir.
DUKE: Oh, I’m all for Equal Whatcha-ma-callums.
STICK: Equal Opportunities.
HADD: [whistle] Girls! Over here! Now!
[ALL GIRL SOLDIERS hurry to HADD & huddle in a meeting around the front right corner of
stage. They mutter through what follows.]
DUKE: Those Equal Opportunity thingies do make the song a bit tricky, you know. ‘Oh, The Grand Old Duke of York. I have 10,000 …people….’[continues to hum a bit.]
COD: [to audience] He only knows two tunes. One is The Grand Old Duke of York. And the other one isn’t.
DUKE: [to COD] My father sang the song. And his father did. And his father before him. And…
COD: We get the picture, Sir.
DUKE: [to COD] It’s a tradition.
[GIRLS in their huddle show agreement by raising their hands.]
HADD: [spokesperson, marches up to DUKE, all other GIRL Soldiers regroup up on stage.] We’ve had a meeting of the female section of the Troopers’ Union, Sir and after a lot of discussion we’ve reached an agreement.
DUKE: You have?
HADD: Yes, Sir. We have. And for the purposes of the song we don’t mind being referred to as ‘men’, Sir.
DUKE: You don’t?
GIRL SOLDIERS: We don’t. [They sit, kneel, stand in a group.]
DUKE: Oh! Brilliant! [HADD returns to GIRL soldiers.] I feel the song coming on…a - 1, a - 2, a - 1, 2, 3…
[COD coughs loudly. TROUT begins long limping entry from KITCHEN, moaning.]
DUKE: [to COD] My goodness. I hope you’re taking care of that cough, Corporal Cod. [HALI begins to move over from group towards COD & DUKE.]
COD: Yes, Sir. I’ve had it for four weeks and it seems as good as new.
HALI: [poking COD in his chest] Do you know how to stop a head cold going to your chest?
COD: No.
HALI: Just tie a knot in your neck. [HALI laughs, sits & begins to read magazine.]
MINN: [rubbing her stomach] Oooh, I’ve got something wrong with my stomach.
HADD: Well, keep your uniform on and no-one will notice.
TROUT: [arriving on stage, to MINN] You’re lucky. [moving to DUKE] I’ve got a horrible pain in my left foot.
DUKE: Well, try marching with the other one. [TROUT shares his foot problem with STICK & COD. DUKE moving to GIRLS notices MACK asleep and snoring.]
I say, old bean, you cannot sleep on parade.
MACK: I could if you talked more quietly, Sir.
DUKE: Enough of all this foolishness. [DUKE leaves stage to Hall. Admires the ’artists’ work.] Oh, I say, chaps, very good. Very, very…er...imaginative. [DUKE calling to PIKE & SARDINE] Pike!
PIKE: [jumping up] Yes, Sir?
DUKE: Sardine!
SARDINE: [jumping up] Yes, Sir?
DUKE: Anything wrong?
PIKE: No, Sir!
SARDINE: No, Sir!
DUKE: Fine. Fine. Good to know you’re keeping busy. [PIKE & SARDINE get back to their ‘mouse’ hunt.] Where was I? Ah, yes, we have come out here to the peace and quiet of York Hill, because it’s the very best place to practice.
TROUT: [suspicious] Practice?
DUKE: Yes. Practice!
STICK: Practice marching up?
DUKE: No!
HADD: Practice marching down?
DUKE: No!
COD: Practice marching up AND down!
DUKE: A thousand times ‘no’ my merry band of music makers. [DUKE produces sheet music.] We are going to practice our singing for York’s Got Talent! [SOLDIERS are very enthusiastic.]
HADD: [shocked & delighted] What?! With Simon Bowel?!
MINN: We’re gonna be famous! We’re gonna be famous!
FLOUN: Stars!
MACK: Celebrities!
HALI: We could be on BBC Spotlight!
SKATE: Or even in the Bridport News!!
[ALL wait for the noisy excitement to finish]
TROUT: [approaching DUKE with HADD. Both take a piece of sheet music] But, Sir, I can’t do this.
DUKE: Whyever not?
TROUT: [Thinking] Um…my eyes don’t work.
DUKE: Nonsense.
TROUT: It’s true. [nudges HADD] Isn’t it, Haddock?
HADD: Oh, yes. Abso-bloomin-lutely true, Sir. Only yesterday Trout told me he was
having trouble seeing.
DUKE: And?
HADD: And I told him carrots are good for your eyes.
DUKE: They are. They certainly are.
TROUT: Maybe, but they really hurt when I stuffed them under my eyelids. Now I can’t see much at all.
HALI: [to MINN] I had bad eyesight until I was 8…. Then I got a haircut.
COD: [To the sitting group in front of him] Do you know, every time I drink tea, I get a stabbing pain in my left eye.
MINN: [to COD] You should remember to take the spoon out of the cup.
DUKE: Enough! Enough! [ to SARDINE] I say, you’re new. [SARDINE jumps up.] I’ve not seen you before. What were you before you joined my army.
SARDINE: Happy, Sir.
STICK: [to SARDINE] Do you know the best way to stay out of the army?
SARDINE: No.
STICK: Join the navy instead. [SARDINE sits.]
DUKE: [strutting about] Oh, I say, chaps. Army life is terrifically spiffing. You get to wear uniforms. And it’s full of jolly japes from morning till night. Just think of the wonderful tradition, the history, the glory, the flags and trumpets and Marching Songs!
HADD: [& SKATE & CUTT move arm-in-arm across to stage right.] We were never any good at history at school, Sir. The teachers kept asking us questions about things that happened long before we were born, [to SKATE & CUTT] didn’t they? [SKATE & CUTT agree] How were we supposed to know?
DUKE: Now, chaps, this isn’t the right spirit. Where’s your sense of derring-do?
COD: It’s derring-done, Sir.
[FLOUN & HALI move across to stage right together, passing DUKE, to join HADD & others.]
DUKE: Your get up and go?
FLOUN: It’s got up and gone!
DUKE: Your swash.
HALI: Buckled, Sir.
DUKE: Nonsense. We’re wasting time. [DUKE gets all the SOLDIERS standing and focussed.] Come on! Chop! Chop! Now let’s tune up. Sing after me: Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!
SOLDIERS: [very loudly] You! You! You! You! You!
[WITCHES enter by sides of curtains. WITCH 1 stage right, WITCH 2 stage left. They are very angry. SOLDIERS are not impressed. In fact they mock the WITCHES during the following.]
WITCH 1: [entering] Hubble bubble. Such a racket.
WITCH 2: [entering] Here’s the trouble. Let us whack it!
WITCH 1: Nip them.
WITCH 2: Pinch them. Bite and squeeze.
WITCH 1: A slice of soldier, with grilled cheese!
DUKE: [strutting about] I say, that’s a bit harsh. Don’t you know who I am? I’m the Duke of York. Some call me Grand, but I’m not one to blow my own trumpet.
STICK: No, that’s our job. [SOLDIERS produce toy trumpets - parp!]
WITCH 2: We don’t find you in the least bit grand.
WITCH 1: Can’t you read the signs? This is our land. [reading from sign on wall] ‘Singers will be silenced’.
WITCH 2: [reading from sign on wall] ‘Marchers will be mashed’ And anyone who sings and marches will be bopped, and biffed and bashed!
DUKE: Ah, but we weren’t. We were only singing.
WITCH 2: Is that what you call it?
WITCH 1: [to SOLDIER] You sound like a donkey that’s going to be sick! [to SOLDIER] You sound like a chicken that’s been hit with a brick!
WITCH 2: So no more tra-la-la-ing, or stomping up and down.
WITCH 1: Another peep from you lot, and we’ll curse you and your town.
HADD: Whatever!
WITCH 1: I’ll get you my pretty!
DUKE: [On the move] I say, why don’t you cast a spell and make yourselves beautiful. Then you could have hundreds of men at your feet…. All of them chiropodists. [Encourages audience to react] Get it? [impro explanation] It was a joke…. Believe me, they don’t get any better.
STICK: [excited] Oo! Oo! I’ve got a joke, too. Why do witches ride broomsticks?
COD: We don’t know, Sergeant Stickleback. Why do witches ride broomsticks?
STICK: Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy to fly! [to audience] Get it? Too heavy to fly. [STICK laughs manically with thigh slapping, etc. He suddenly stops laughing, to DUKE, referring to audience] Hard lot to please, aren’t they?
DUKE: Indeed they are, Sergeant. Come on, troops. Back to the castle. We’ve got things to do. Things to do! [DUKE leads SOLDIERS from stage to Hall door.]
[singing] Oh, it’s time for tea and crumpets.
For cake and macaroons
So sound our special trumpets [parp!]
And play our famous tune.
[DUKE & STICK, HADD, SKATE, HALI, COD, MINN, MACK, FLOUN, SARDINE with TROUT limping in last place exit marching, playing their trumpets.]
[WITCHES watch till ALL exit.]
WITCH 2: You think we have no power
WITCH 1: That all our threats are hollow
WITCH 2: We’ll start within the hour
WITCH 1: You’ll be sorry by tomorrow!
WITCHES: [a shared idea dawns] Ah-hah!
WITCH 2: We’ll make you slip…
WITCH 1: And trip…
WITCH 2: And fall…
WITCHES: Into the clutches of Baron Grabbit of Seizitt Hall [Cackle! spell & exit through curtains.]

SCENE TWO: Curtains open - OUTSIDE the MUFFET COTTAGE.
MONTMORENCY, CLUTTERBUCK, FANSHAWE and CHOLMONDELEY enter with BARON GRABBIT.
BARON: Don’t just sit there, you pathetic peasants, cheer!
[MONT, CLUT, FAN and CHOL try their best to get the audience to cheer.]
BARON: Silence you petty people. I believe in freedom of expression, but it’s a
freedom you should pay for! Now that you are all listening I have an announcement to make.
MONT: The Baron has an announcement to make!
CLUT: And a fine announcement it’s going to be.
FAN: Oh, the very finest!
CHOL: When it comes to announcements, they don’t come any finer!
BARON: Shut up you pin-striped poltroons.
MONT: Well said.
CLUT/FAN/CHOL: Hear! Hear!
BARON: It has been brought to my attention that you are planning to have a….[evident
distaste] Fun Day!
MONT/CHOL/FAN/CLUT: [shocked] No!
BARON: Oh, yes. A whole day, a full 24 hours of unrelenting, unmitigated, unacceptable Fun.
MONT/CHOL/FAN/CLUT: [shocked] Never!
BARON: It is hard to believe, isn’t it?
MONT/CHOL/FAN/CLUT: Incredible.
BARON: And dangerous. But do not worry. I have the matter in hand. As of this moment Fun Day is….banned, forbidden, cancelled ….forever! [BOOS!]
MONT/CHOL/FAN/CLUT: Bravo!
BARON: Fun Day is just an excuse for you idle, good-for-nothings to sneak another
day off work. You don’t work as it is, do you?
[AUDIENCE: Oh yes we do, etc]
BARON: Oh, and one more thing. A piece of breaking news. I’ve just become Lord Mayor of York.
MONT: [to CLUT] I don’t remember an election. Has there been an election?
Did I miss it? [realises BARON is listening in] And you won, of course you did! Well done. Congratulations. Couldn’t have happened to a better Baron.
BARON: As I was saying, I have become Lord Mayor of York…
CLUT: [aside] By hook AND by crook
BARON: …and my first act is to ban the festering frolics of Fun Day…. forever! That’ll teach you to have respect for your betters. There’s going to be changes round here now I’m in charge. You see that cottage there by the city wall? It’s the home of those ever-so-cute, butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-their mouths, sickeningly sweet sugarplum fairies, the Muffet Sisters! What does it say in the records, Fanshawe?
FAN: [checking records] The Three Misses Muffet have not paid their rent for over
ten years.
CHOL: Not a single penny.
BARON: Spongers! And what do we do with spongers?
MONT/FAN/CHOL/CLUT: We squeeze them dry, Your Baronial Mayorfulness.
BARON: And then squeeze them some more. Now today as it happens to be Mid- summer’s Day, I’m going to give them a treat, oops slip of the tongue, I meant I’m going to throw them out on the street! [BARON laughs and goes to cottage door. Rings bell.] Come out you trio of tender-hearted troublemakers.
[MARTHA, POLLY and MARY MUFFET enter. MARTHA has a broom. POLLY has a kettle. MARY has a watering can. They address audience straight away, ignoring BARON, etc]
MARTHA: Hello. It’s good to see you all.
POLLY: You’re just in time for tea.
MARY: I hope you’re all having a wonderful time. Nothing is better than Midsummer in the garden, is it?
MARTHA: Everybody happy? Yes? That’s the spirit.
POLLY: That’s what we’re all here for, isn’t it? A pot of tea and a bit of fun.
MARY: Nothing like a freshly picked pea and a good laugh, is there?
MARTHA: Let us introduce ourselves, I’m Martha Muffet, domestic goddess. Curds and whey is my speciality.
POLLY: I’m Polly Muffet. Now I must put the kettle on if we’re all to have tea. [exits]
MARY: I’m Mary Muffet, famous in York for my annual award-winning displays of silver bells and cockle-shells.
MARTHA: Not forgetting the pretty-maids all in a row. [At last MARTHA sees BARON] Hello, hello. Looks like someone has left the manhole cover off the sewer again.
MARY: Where’s the ratcatcher when you want him?
BARON: [to MARTHA] Look here.
MARTHA: Where?
BARON: [confused] Where?
MARTHA: I don’t know.
MARY: [to audience] A bit funny in the head if you ask me.
BARON: [taking control] I want my rent money!
MARTHA Thank goodness, I thought you wanted mine!
MARY: Or mine!
BARON: I mean yours, both of yours. And your sister’s. Hand it over.
MARTHA: [common] Watch it fish-face. [posh] You’re talking to a young refined person of quality – not your mother!
BARON: Give me what I’m asking for!
MARTHA: [pause, wishful] Oh, if only.
BARON: Right! That’s it! As new Lord Mayor I plan to make a clean sweep of the city – and I’m starting with you.
MARTHA: [Sweeping enthusiastically] With all that sweeping to do, would you like to
borrow my broom [ She covers BARON in dust who starts coughing.]
CLUT: Look what you’ve been and gone and done.
MARY: You are a mess and no mistake.
FAN: Don’t just stand there.
MARY: What do you want us to do?
CHOL: Wipe it off at once.
MARTHA: I thought he [indicating BARON] was doing the sweeping, but if you say so... [Sweeps BARON with broom]
BARON: Arggh! Now it’s ten times worse. [BARON snatches broom]
MARY: Ooh. Temper, temper!
BARON: Just you wait. By the time I’ve finished with all of you, you’ll wish you’d
never been born. [To staff] Give them till 5 o’clock, then throw the snotty-nosed sisters and all their stuff out into the street. [They exit]
MARTHA]: [emotional, together blowing nose on giant hankie] Oh, what are we to do?
MARY]:
POLLY: [entering with tea tray, singing] Anyone for milk and sugar? [MARTHA & MARY bawl louder] I could make squash if you prefer. [MARTHA & MARY bawl even louder] Horlicks? Hot Chocolate?
MARTHA: [sobbing] It’s no good.
POLLY: No good? I’ll have you know I make the best pot of tea in York! I’ve won the Christabel Pilz Cup for the past five years!
MARY: [sobbing] It’s Baron Grabbit!
POLLY: [not impressed] Him? We can’t let that old villain upset us.
MARTHA: [sobbing] I told him what’s what.
MARY: [sobbing] If you’d said one more word, the Baron would have exploded on the spot.
MARTHA: [sobbing] Trust me to shut my mouth at the wrong time.
POLLY: I wish someone would put him in his place.
MARTHA: I’d do it myself if I had a shovel. What are we to do? Baron Grabbit’s going to
make us homeless.
MARY: I suppose we’d better go and start packing.
POLLY: You know, there’s one good thing about being poor.
MARY: What’s that?
POLLY: It doesn’t cost anything.
MARY: People say that money talks, but have you noticed it never says when it’s coming back?
POLLY: True. And they say that the more you can afford, the more you have to dust.
MARTHA: [annoyed] And the more I listen to you two, the more I wonder if you’ve got
more than a single grey cell between you. [MARY & POLLY – Oh!] So it’s just as well I saw this problem coming.
MARY & POLLY: [disbelieving] You didn’t!
MARTHA: I did.
MARY & POLLY: You didn’t.
MARTHA: I did.
MARY & POLLY: You didn’t.
MARTHA: Let me explain! People have always said I’m a real beauty with the looks of Mona Lisa…
MARY: [aside] Dusty. A bit cracked..
POLLY: [aside] And 500 years old.
MARTHA: So last week when I saw an advert for a model agency I sent off one of my photographs. I’m going to be the next big thing. I’m expecting a reply any day.
Mrs ROW: [entering from back of hall with a bag of very large envelopes. She approaches audience members] [smelling first package] Oh, tres romantique. Extra tres chic. The perfect pong - Eau de Drimpton. My favourite. Ooo, It makes me go all goo-ey at the knees and I have lovely knees. Look. [to audience member] I know what I’d do if some fancy man sent me this. I’d show my gratitude if you get my drift. [hands package over] You lucky thing. Right what’s next? Something official by the looks of it. Oh dear, it’s the taxman. Da-da-da-dah! Never a good sign, is it? Shall we say ‘return to sender’. [She shoves it back in her bag] Now what’? Oh, it’s a birthday card. And it’s for you! [she turns on a surprised audience member – peeks inside card] 21 again, I see! Well, a lady is only as old as whoever she feels. Isn’t that right? Oh, now what have we here? Special delivery for Miss Martha Muffet, 13 The Tuffet, Whip-ma Whop-ma Lane. [She’s very short-sighted and tries to deliver it to people in the audience, adlibbing as she goes while….
MARTHA: [very excited, tries to get Mrs ROW’s attention, getting angrier] Here I am.
Over here. Coo-ee. Oi, get your thieving hands off it, Madam. Etc [Finally MARTHA snatches it from the woman in audience who has it.] With looks like yours, I wouldn’t bother. We can’t all be beautiful like me. [Heading back to stage, excited] This is it. To Martha Muffet from the Oh So Lovely Model Agency.
Mrs ROW: [aside to audience] Oh So Hopeless if you ask me
MARTHA: [realises Mrs ROW is still standing around] What are you waiting for?
Mrs ROW: A tip.
MARTHA: Here’s a tip. Never annoy a girl with a broom. [MARTHA swings at
Mrs ROW with broom twice and misses. Mrs ROW is smug. MARTHA gives her a final look and starts to open letter.]
Mrs ROW: Remember dear, beauty is in the eye of the beholder – and I’m very short-sighted. [She exits]
POLLY: Go on, Martha, tell us.
MARY: What does the letter say?
MARTHA: [opening and reading] ‘Dear Miss Muffet, why don’t you try a face pack, or a plasterer.’ [The penny drops and she blubs. MARY & POLLY encourage audience to ‘aah’] [sobbing] Ooh, e-jected and re-jected all in one day. It’s not fair! [MARY & encourage more ‘aahing’] I’m not wanted!
MARY & POLLY: Oh, yes you are!
MARTHA: Oh, no I’m not!
ALL: Oh, yes you are!
MARTHA: Oh, no I’m not!
ALL: Oh, yes you are!
MARTHA: I’ll go pack my things and leave…forever! [More ‘aahing’]
POLLY: Martha, we must go and ask the Grand Old Duke to help.
MARTHA: [shocked] No! we couldn’t. We just couldn’t. [EXITS sobbing]
MARY: [to audience] Look, there’s something you need to know.
POLLY: Something about our mother, Meribel Muffet.
MARY: Mother Muffet was the nanny to the Duke’s young son years and years ago.
POLLY: Because she was always very busy, she used to hang the baby’s
cradle on a branch of a tree that grew outside the nursery window. When the
wind blew, the cradle would rock the baby to sleep. But one terrible day….
MARY: One terrible stormy day a sudden gust of wind snapped the branch off and
everything fell to the ground – cradle, baby and all.
POLLY: When Mother Muffet rushed outside all she was found was the empty cradle and the broken branch. The baby boy had vanished, and he has not been seen since. Mother Muffet left the palace that very day, never to return.
MARY: Martha’s too sensitive so it’s now up to us, Polly. We must go and see the Grand Old Duke and sort things out! [MARY & POLLY exit]

SCENE THREE: OUTSIDE the MUFFET COTTAGE. Clock chimes 5.
CLUT/ FAN/ CHOL & MONT enter
MONT: Well here we are. Back at the Muffet cottage.
FAN: Indeed, Montmorency. It’s 5 o’clock on the dot, in you go.
MONT: What do you mean – in I go? What about you?
FAN: Oh, I couldn’t do it, old chap.
CHOL: Nor me.
CLUT: Nor me.
MONT: Whyever not?
FAN: You see we know the visiting times, and you don’t.
MONT: Visiting times? What visiting times?
CHOL: The hospital visiting times.
CLUT: After all, you’ll want someone to visit you, won’t you?
MONT: I don’t get you. I’m not going to hospital.
FAN/ CLUT/ CHOL: [knowingly] Ahhh! [sucks] H-sss. [tuts] Tut-tut-tut
FAN: Of course you are, dear boy.
CHOL: We shall insist upon it.
CLUT: NHS waiting lists and healthcare cutbacks, be damned.
FAN: You can’t just be left lying there in the street
CHOL: With all your insides outside.
CLUT: That would be heartless.
FAN: We wouldn’t hear of such a thing.
CHOL: After all, it’ll be absolute agony.
MONT: What will?
CHOL: Your injuries, of course.
MONT: But I don’t have any injuries. There’s nothing wrong with me.
FAN/ CHOL/ CLUT: [knowingly] Ahh! H-ssss. Tut-tut-tut
FAN: We know you haven’t any injuries.
CHOL: We can see there’s nothing wrong with you.
CLUT: Not yet. But you have to be prepared.
FAN/ CHOL/ CLUT: [knowingly] Ahhh! H-sss. Tut-tut-tut
MONT: Why do you keep going Ahhh!, H-sss. Tut-tut-tut? [realises] I say, you don’t
think Martha Muffet is going to cut up rough, do you?
FAN: My dear chap, it’s absolutely certain.
CHOL: I’m totally convinced, aren’t you, Clutterbuck?
CLUT: Oh, Cholmondeley, as soon as I saw her I said to myself, there’s one totally tough Muffet.
MONT: In that case couldn’t we leave it for today? We could always tell the Baron she wasn’t in.
FAN: [sucking through teeth] I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.
MONT: But…
FAN: [interrupting] You don’t mean to tell us you’re scared of little Martha Muffet?
MONT: Me? Scared? Hah!
CLUT: Of course you’re not scared. I’ve heard tell you’re so tough you eat sardines with their tins on!
MONT: Every morning I shadow box!
CHOL: This morning he won after only 10 minutes!
MONT: Oh, it’s useless talking to you lot. You think you’re so funny don’t you?
[MELODY enters carrying a purse with her sisters, HARMONY & SYMPHONY.]
FAN: Well, hello! And what have we here then?
CLUT: Why, if it isn’t cute Miss Melody
CHOL: And sweet Miss Harmony
MONT: And tasty Miss Symphony.
MONT: Such a pretty trio, the Grand Old Duke’s wards.
FAN: And what might you three be doing away from the Castle?
CHOL: Don’t you know wandering round York alone can be dangerous?
MEL: It wouldn’t be dangerous if you lot and that crook you work for weren’t always
lurking about.
FAN: [feigning hurt] Ooh, how you cut me to the quick!
HAR: I don’t know how you lot have escaped being thrown into the deepest darkest dungeon.
CHOL: The secret my dear girl, is that we have a tame lawyer. His knowledge of the law may be criminally poor, but he certainly knows the lowdown on all the judges.
SYM: Be off with you, you rotten riff-raff.
CLUT: I do like girls with spirit.
MONT: I particularly like girls with a purse.
MEL: This money belongs to the Grand Old Duke.
HAR: He has sent it to pay the rent the Muffet sisters owe.
FAN: In that case, you’d best hand it over.
SYM: To you?
FAN: We’ll see that Baron Grabbit gets it.
MEL: Oh, no. I wouldn’t trust you lot as far as I could throw you.
CHOL: We’ll see about that. Grab the money!
MEL, HAR & SYM: Help! Help!
MONT: [pause, looking round] There’s never a hero when you want one. Grab them!
MEL, HAR & SYM: Help! Help!
[CHARLIE enters]
CHAR: What’s going on? I’ll teach you to attack helpless girls. Take that. And that!
[One by one MONT, CHOL, CLUT and FAN are dealt with.]
MONT: [swinging with eyes shut] Have I done him any damage?
CLUT: Not yet, but keep swinging. The draft might give him a cold.
[…and finally]
FAN: You’ve not heard the last of this! [FAN exits]
CHAR: [to MEL, HAR & SYM] It’s all right, my ladies, they’ve gone. [The trio are in delighted shock unable to speak] Might I ask who you are? [to MEL] My lady? [MEL is speechless] You must be Miss Tongue-tied? [MEL dissolves into giggles. To HAR] My lady? [HAR can only giggle] And you are Miss Giggler? [to SYM] And you, my lady? [SYM sighs and swoons] You must be Miss Swooner [The trio laugh]
MEL: You’re him, aren’t you? [to sisters] It is him, isn’t it?
SYM: No doubt about it. It’s him all right.
HAR: And here we are, together. Him and Us! [more giggles]
MEL: We’ve seen all of your films. [CHAR is totally confused]
HAR: Every single one of them.
SYM: We saw you as Sir Winalot in ‘The Revenge of the White Knight’ [sisters sigh]
HAR: As Lord Lindisfarne in ‘Murder at Midnight’ [sisters sigh]
SYM: But best of all when you were…[to sisters] Remember?
HAR: Oh, yes, when you were. [all sisters sigh]
CHAR: When I was?
MEL: You know.
HAR: You must know.
SYM: Of course he knows. How could he not know? [CHAR is at a loss.]
MEL: When you were Suleiman, the Sheikh of Araby in ‘Darkness in the Dunes’ and you flung Princess Pashmina onto the back of a camel and rode off with her into the sunset. [sisters melt]
CHAR: [about to explain] But…
MEL: Don’t say a thing.
HAR: We understand.
CHAR: You do?
SYM: Yes, we do. You’re here in York, incognito.
CHAR: In-cog-what?
SYM: Incognito.
MEL: Under cover.
HAR: In secret.
MEL: [explaining to sisters] Trying to avoid the paparazzi.
HAR: The celebrity stalkers.
SYM: And all those pathetic fans!
MEL But your secret is safe with us.
SYM: Our lips are sealed.
HAR: We won’t tell a soul that Suleiman, the Sheikh of Araby is here in York!
MEL & SYM: Shhh!
[PAUSE]
CHAR: That’s the ticket! Let’s keep the fact that Suleiman, the Sheikh of…[forgets]
MEL, HAR & SYM: Araby!
CHAR: Yes, let’s keep that as our secret. OK? [All sisters mime zipping their lips] Now where were we? Oh, yes. Those thieves! Are you all, all right.
MEL: Yes, thanks to you, I’m quite safe.
HAR: [not wanting to be overlooked] I’m quite safe, too.
SYM: And me. But I could be safer!
CHAR: Who were they?
MEL: Thieves!
HAR: Robbers!
SYM: Bounders!
HAR: Brigands!
MEL: Vagabonds!
SYM: [unable to think of another term] Err…
[pause]
MEL: Have you been in York before?
CHAR: I’ve only just arrived.
MEL: I think we should introduce ourselves properly. I’m the Grand Old Duke’s ward, Melody.
HAR: And I’m the Grand Old Duke’s ward, Harmony.
SYM: And I’m the Grand Old Duke’s ward, Symphony
CHAR: Melody? Harmony? Symphony? Such lovely names.
MEL,HAR & SYM: [giggle] Thank you.
CHAR: The Grand Old Duke’s very lucky to have three such pretty wards. [more giggling]
MEL: And what do we call you? After all we can’t call you Suleiman or Lord Lindisfarne, can we?
CHAR: No, I don’t suppose you can. Call me Charlie Chizzlewick. At your service.
MEL: [playing along] And what are you doing in York,…. Charlie?
CHAR: Looking for work. I’m willing to try anything.
HAR: Anything?
CHAR: Anything.
HAR: How good are you at marching?
CHAR: What?
SYM: Left right. Left right [demonstrates]
CHAR: [marching] Left right? Left right?
HAR: [applauds] Bravo! Well done!
CHAR: [smug] Thanks.
MEL: You’re a natural.
CHAR: Do you think so?
MEL: Some can never do it; but you’re a born marcher. We’ll have a word with the
Grand Old Duke; he’s always looking for more soldiers.
HAR: He should have 10,000, but there are always some off sick or on holiday.
SYM: He never seems to have quite enough.
CHAR Wow! I’ve been in York less than a day and I’m already in the Grand Old
Duke’s Army. Who’d’ve thought it?
MEL: Once we tell him how you saved us, [sisters sigh] he’ll want you for sure.
HAR: He’ll do anything for us.
SYM: By the way, can you sing?
CHAR: Pardon?….
[Before CHAR can answer STICK & COD march on STAGE LEFT.]

SCENE 4:
STICK: [To MEL, SYM, HAR & CHAR in far corner front STAGE RIGHT] Shhh!
They’re coming [signals to COD]
COD: [plays fanfare] My Lords, Ladies, boys, girls, and anyone else, pin
back your lugholes for their Graces the Grand Old Duke and Duchess of York. [STICK & COD retreat to far corner front STAGE LEFT.]
[Other SOLDIERS march on. Order: CUTT, SKATE, MACK, HALI, TROUT. After confusion they line up. DUKE & DUCHESS finally enter STAGE LEFT to very loud cheers.]
DUKE: Too kind.
DUCHESS: You really shouldn’t. No, I mean, you really shouldn’t! [covers her ears.]
MEL, HAR & SYM: Hello, Uncle. Auntie.
DUKE: Just a tick, my dears. We’ve got to review the chaps.
DUCHESS: [to COD] Your face is filthy. What would you say if I came on parade looking like that?
COD: I’d be too polite to say anything, Ma’am.
DUKE: [to COD] Can’t you hold your hands still?
COD: They shake all the time, Sir.
DUKE: You shouldn’t drink so much.
COD: I don’t, Sir. I spill most of it.
[HADD arrives late from STAGE RIGHT.]
DUCHESS: [to HADD as she arrives] You’re late. You should have been here five minutes ago.
HADD: Why, Ma’am? Did I miss something?
DUKE: [to HADD] Look, we need everyone to practice for the parade on
Sunday.
HADD: Sunday?
DUKE: Yes. Sunday.
HADD: But I won’t be able to make it.
DUCHESS: Whyever not?
HADD: I’m going to have a headache. [HADD joins line next to TROUT]
[FLOUN limps on STAGE RIGHT.]
SKATE: And why are you late?
FLOUN: I’ve sprained my ankle. [FLOUN joins line.]
DUKE: That’s a lame excuse…..[pause, to audience] Get it? She said she’d sprained
her ankle. And I said that was a lame excuse. [No real reaction, DUKE calls offstage] I told you it wasn’t funny!….[Everyone on stage coughs and draws DUKE’s attention to the audience] But would he listen, that writer chappie?
Of course not. You know what he’s like. Always think he knows best…. Oh, well, back to business. [back in character, to SOLDIERS] Right, stand at ease. [SOLDIERS are very casual. DUKE to MEL,HAR & SYM:] Sorry, we’re late, my dears, but we took a wrong turn and ended up at the Royal Oak. We couldn’t leave without buying something - the landlord would have been most put out. He kept having to change the barrel, what with 10,000 pints to pull.
MEL: Where are the rest of your soldiers?
HAR: Not lost again, are they?
DUKE: I’ve sent them on a little march to work off the beer, back up and down that
wonderful little hill just behind the palace. You know, the one with the spooky
cave at the top. The one with those witches.
SYM: What?
DUKE: No, dear, not the Watts. The Witches.
HAR: Do you think that’s a good idea? You don’t want to upset witches.
DUKE: For goodness sake, Harmony. Don’t make such a hoo-hah. You have to show a witch what’s what. …Oh, I think I can hear the Infantry coming. [INFANTRY enter from ‘waiting area’.]
HAKE: We’re gonna get you!
ALL: we’re gonna get you!
SARDINE: Baron Grabbit, we’re gonna get you.
ALL: Grab him! Grab him Grab him!…[DUKE stops the chant]
DUKE: What is going on?
HAKE: We’re practising catching baron Grabbit.
DUKE: I see. And what are you going to do when you catch him?
HAKE: We’re gonna tickle him!
ALL: Tickle him Tickle him! Tickle him!…[DUKE stops the chant.]
DUKE: I’m sure you are the very best ticklers, chaps. And if we need any tickling doing, we’ll call on you.
ALL INFANTRY: Thank you, Sir. [They salute. ALL sit on the two sets of steps listening.]
DUKE: [centre stage] Now where were we? Ah, yes [to MEL,HAR & SYM] Melody, Harmony, Symphony, did you bring the money for the Muffet Sisters’ rent?
MEL: Yes, Uncle. But if it hadn’t been for…. Charlie here, [sigh!] the baron’s henchmen would have stolen it.
HAR: He was ever so brave.
SYM: Heroic!
DUKE: Gosh. You mean there was trouble? Fisticuffs? [DUKE & SOLDIERS are worried] They’re not still here, are they?
CHARLIE: No, Sir. I sent them, packing.
DUCHESS: Packing? Going on holiday, were they?
CHARLIE: No, Ma’am, I sent them off with a flea in their ear.
DUKE: Nasty things, fleas. They jump and bite.
CHARLIE: I beat them over the bonce and kicked them up the….. street.
[DUKE & SOLDIERS are more worried.]
CHARLIE: If you don’t mind me saying, Sir, your soldiers look a bit [whispers] scared. Not what you might call ‘bold’, or ‘brave’. I thought your army was full of famous fighters.
DUKE: Whoever told you that?
MEL: We’ve had a great idea, Uncle. Charlie here needs a job…
DUKE: And?
HAR: Why don’t you give him a job?
DUKE: What? In the palace kitchens?
SYM: No, Uncle. In your army.
CHARLIE Yes, Sir, I could put them through their paces and prepare them for battle. [SOLDIERS on stage faint. Some Infantry run to side door and up on to stage to help the soldiers who have fainted and join the group. Other Infantry run off very scared to ‘waiting area’.]
DUKE: Now look what you’ve been and gone and done.
CHARLIE: What do you mean?
DUKE: Never say you-know-what when they’re listening.
CHARLIE: [confused] You know what?
DUKE: Exactly.
CHARLIE: But I don’t know you-know-what.
DUKE: [surprised] You don’t?…. Well, there are the birds and the bees….
CHARLIE: No, I know that you-know-what…
DUCHESS: That’s a relief.
CHARLIE: …But I don’t know the other you-know-what.
DUKE: Which?
MEL: They live on the hill.
DUKE: [confused] What?
MEL: No, not the Watts; the witches. They live on the hill.
DUCHESS: Now you’re confusing things, Melody.
DUKE: [to CHARLIE] Which you-know-what is the you-know-what you don’t know?
CHARLIE: If I knew which you-know-what it was which I didn’t know, I wouldn’t be
asking you which you-know-what it was.
[PAUSE]
HAR: I’m not sure we got that.
SYM: Could you run through it again?
DUKE & CHARLIE: NO!
CHARLIE: All I said a few minutes ago was that I could prepare the soldiers for battle
[SOLDIERS on stage faint again] and that happened.
DUKE: So now do you know which you-know-what it is?
CHARLIE: Is it the word,….
MEL, HAR, SYM & DUCHESS: Don’t say it!
CHARLIE: Is it the word [spells] B..A..T..T..L..E?
STICK: Bottle?
HADD: Better?
COD: Butter?
TROUT: Utterly butterly?
SKATE: I can’t believe it isn’t butter?
HALI: [move] Shh! I think I’ve got it. B..A..T..T..L..E makes BAT…TLE. BAT…TLE. BATTLE [Other SOLDIERS immediately faint. To audience HALI takes her time understanding what the audience is telling her] What? What was it? What did I say? What did I say? I didn’t quite catch that…[finally] Ah, Battle. [She faints.]
DUKE: My soldiers never [spells] f..i..g..h..t and so never ever go into [spells] b..a..t..t..l..e. In fact, they hardly ever get cross.
DUCHESS: They like babysitting, playing I-Spy, and carriage spotting.
CHARLIE: Don’t they ever use…[whispers] g..u..n..s?
DUCHESS: Good heavens, no!
DUKE: The very idea!….Oh, I forgot.
CHARLIE: [hopeful] Yes?
DUKE: One or two of them knit. [Two soldiers get out knitting to show CHARLIE.]
FLOUN: I’m making socks.
SKATE: Me, too.
MEL: Will you give Charlie a job, Uncle?
SYM: [pleading] Please!
HAR: [pleading] Pretty please!
DUKE I suppose so. Just as long as he doesn’t go upsetting them again. How about being Captain?
CHARLIE: [astounded] Me? A Captain?!
DUKE: Oh, all right then. You drive a hard bargain. How about General? But that’s my final offer.
HAR: General Charlie!
CHARLIE: Thank you, Sir. You’ll not regret it.
DUKE: Now come along chaps. Let’s be marching. We must find the others. If we don’t get a move on we’re going to be late for ‘Neighbours’. [DUKE, DUCHESS & SOLDIERS exit STAGE LEFT singing the theme tune. Each one waves as they go, saying ‘bye for now’, ‘toodle-oo’, ‘toodle-pip‘, byesey-bye’, ‘ta-ra’, ‘ta-ta’ etc. BARON sneaks on STAGE RIGHT by cottage, unobserved as they exit. He hears the following:]
MEL: Oh, Charlie, just think of it, you’ve only been in York five minutes…
HAR: …And already you’re a general!
SYM: It’s just like a real-life film!
CHARLIE: And I’m going to teach that lot to fight if it’s the last thing I do! [CHARLIE & MEL, HAR & SYM exit STAGE LEFT.]
[BARON sneaks on as they exit. He has clearly heard everything:]
BARON: Yes, it’s that man again. Baron Grabbit. Voted this year’s boldest baddest
baron. How perfectly proud I am to be horribly horrid. Oh, come on, you know you want to cheer. Call that booing? Sounds more like mooing to me. Milking time, is it? [CURTAINS CLOSE behind him] So. Charlie’s going to teach that lot of yellow-bellied, namby-pamby, lily-livered, wishy-washy wimps to fight is he? Have I got news for you? - Oh, no he isn’t!
AUDIENCE: Oh, yes he is!
BARON: Oh, no he isn’t! etc. I’m going to chop down Charlie before he can get in my
way. I’m the boss around here and don’t let anyone forget it. You may call me
hard-hearted, cold-blooded and wicked to the core. I just say, ‘How right you
are!’ The time has definitely come to dump the dim Duke!
[CRASH & LIGHTS - the return of the WITCHES THROUGH MIDDLE of CURTAINS.]
WITCH 1: Ah, Baron Grabbit, is it not?
WITCH 2: Your heart as cold as ice
Hugs to itself an evil plot.
WITCH 1: Such a nasty dream. Not nice! [WITCHES cackle]
BARON: [unnerved] But how do you know?
WITCH 1: Oh, Grabbit, when wickedness is brewing
We taste it on the air.
WITCH 2: We hear it ticking in your heart.
We know the secrets you don’t share.
WITCH 1: If you so wish, we’ll lend our skills to make your dream come true.
WITCHES: The Grand Old Duke shall be destroyed, and York belong to you!
BARON: Oh, yes! Yes! Anything you say!
WITCHES: Promise!
BARON: Cross my heart and hope to….[stops himself] [WITCHES cackle]
WITCHES: [casting spell in a group] Hocus pocus. Riddle-me-ree
Our spell is cast. Fie. Foe. And fee.
WITCH 1: [hands over scroll] Here is our plan.
WITCH 2: In the deep dark woods at the midnight hour.
WITCH 1: Do not be late. You’ll receive the power.
WITCH 2: For you, the baddie, the future will be good.
WITCH 1: The goodie Duke will lose it all…..
WITCHES: At midnight …..in the wood. [They exit THROUGH MIDDLE OF CURTAINS.]
BARON: [scans plan] With the wicked witches on my side nothing can go wrong! I’m going to take charge once and for all. Boo me all you like, you little losers! By midnight you’ll all be putty in my hands! [BARON exits THROUGH MIDDLE OF CURTAINS]


[INTERVAL]


SCENE FIVE: [curtains open] THE WOODS
[Wood backdrop and a single giant free-standing tree. MONA LOTT enters, surprised to see audience.]
MONA: Oh, hello. My name’s Mona. Mona Lott. And I really do moan a lot, `cos I’ve got lots and lots and lots and lots to moan about. Almost everything actually. But especially work. I work for the Muffet Sisters – and they actually expect me to DO things. But I don’t. My motto is ‘Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off for good’ …..Since the Grand Old Duke paid the Sisters’ rent – you do know he has paid their rent, don’t you? No? Well, you’ve not been paying enough attention, have you? Anyway. Now Martha wants to cook something special for him to show how grateful they are. Poor man. I’m not saying Martha Muffet’s a bad cook. I mean her food melts in your mouth. But it’d be better if she defrosted it first. [MARTHA enters collecting sticks. MONA is unaware.] And what about her clothes? I’ve got shedloads of style as you can see. But her? I’ve seen scarecrows with more dress sense.
MARTHA: [moving on her] What?
MONA: It was a joke.
MARTHA: Oh yes? Obviously you don’t have an eye for real fashion, or true beauty. As a matter of fact I’ve just come from the beauticians.
MONA: [aside, to audience] Shame they were shut.
MARTHA: [upset] Oh, how could you? My sisters and I look after you. I cook and bake for you, and what do I get? Nothing!
MONA: [to audience] I get indigestion.
MARTHA: [threatening] If only I had my broom! [to audience] Everything about Mona is lazy, from top to toe. Her nose won’t even run when she’s got a cold.
[changing theme, melodramatic] Oh, why am I so poor?! Oh, where did I go wrong? I’m made for better things than scrimping and saving. I should be rich and famous! [MONA snorts with disdain] Well, a girl can dream, can’t she?
MONA: I had a dream last night.
MARTHA: [interested] Oh, what was it about?
MONA: How should I know? I slept through it.
MARTHA: [exasperated] Doh! We’re wasting time. [looks in MONA’s empty basket] I told you to collect firewood.
MONA: [innocent] Did you?
MARTHA: It seems that anything I tell you goes in one ear and out the other.
MONA: I guess that’s why I’ve got two ears. [Falsely hearing something, intending to scare MARTHA] Oh, did you hear that?
MARTHA: What?
MONA: [spookily] Something scuttling… No, rustling… More like scratching. Like it could be…but, no, it couldn’t be, could it?
MARTHA: [worried] Couldn’t be what?
MONA: [spookily] You know….There are lots of wild things in the woods…[suddenly pointing] Look!! Over there! It’s….[MONA rushes off]
MARTHA: What? Mona! What is it?….. Mona?….Mona!!! [MARTHA rushes off after Mona.]

[FOLLOW-MY-LEADER: As MARTHA & MONA exit stage right, BARON & his cronies sneak on stage left. FAN is holding the plan. Audience reacts. BARON stops to deal with audience hostility, causing a slow motion shunt. This results in FAN dropping the plan without realising. As they exit stage right POLLY & MARY enter stage left, clearly following BARON & his cronies. They wave to audience and urge audience to be quiet. POLLY finds plan. She opens it and she and MARY read it very quickly. The plan shocks them. They hear someone coming behind them and hurry on, exiting stage left. MONA enters, upstage right.]

MONA: Tee-hee!! This is such a giggle. It is really is too easy to rattle Martha’s cage. Hang on. Here she comes.
MARTHA: [entering] Where is it?
MONA: [suddenly] Shhh! [MARTHA squeaks] Shhh!! [in tracking mode, whispering] Look. Here. Tracks. Ohhh, dear!
MARTHA: Roe deer?
MONA: No! Oh….dear….There’s more than one of them. [EXITS downstage right]
MARTHA: More than one of what? Mona, more than one of what?! [EXITS following.]

[Upstage left enter FAN & CHOL clearly looking for the plan. They hear someone coming and exit upstage right. CHARLIE enters upstage left with MEL, HAR & SYM. POLLY & MARY enter upstage left and catch up with CHARLIE, MEL, HAR & SYM to show them the plan. They read it and mime shock. They hear someone coming and hurry off upstage right. Enter BARON stage left…]

BARON: [to audience] All right. Which one of you dim dunderheads has got it? [to an audience member] Don’t play the innocent with me, sunshine. Which one of you horrible little urchins has nicked the Witches’ plan - the plan to get rid of the dumb old Duke and put me in control of everything! Come along. Do tell… if you want to keep your teeth. I’ll give you something very special if you give it back. I’ll give you something much more special if you don’t! [BARON hears something and hides behind giant tree.]
MARTHA: [following MONA from stage left. MONA is still on the trail.] Don’t go so fast.
MONA: We’re getting nearer. I can almost smell it!
MARTHA: And that’s a good thing?
[MONA & MARTHA circuit the tree. At one point BARON becomes involved in the hunt. MONA & MARTHA don’t realise and hurry off, stage right.]
BARON: [to audience]. Look, if you don’t hand back the plan I shall be forced to turn
nasty. Oh, silly me, I mean I shall be forced to turn nasti-er! Mega-nasty, in fact. And I just know you wouldn’t like that. [BARON hears a noise] These woods are busier than Waitrose on a Friday night, and far less classy. [BARON hides behind tree again. CLUT & MONT enter stage left, searching. BARON sees them.]
BARON: Psst!
MONT: I haven’t touched a drop.
CLUT: [out of character] You can’t beat an old joke, can you?
MONT: [out of character] And that was an old one and no mistake.
CLUT: It’s no good. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. [CLUT is bopped by BARON who drags him behind tree.]
MONT: [unaware] It’s like looking for a mushroom in a field of cowpats. It’s like
looking for a nail clipping on a shagpile carpet. It’s like…
BARON: [leans out from behind tree and bops him] We get the picture. [BARON drags MONT behind tree]
MONA: [entering stage left, to audience] I’ve not had so much fun in ages.[calling] Come on Martha. You don’t want to be left all alone in the deep dark woods, do you?
MARTHA: [rushing on stage left] No!
MONA: Well, hurry up. [moves towards EXIT stage right]
MARTHA: Let me rest a moment.
MONA: Do you want IT to get you?
MARTHA: [squeaks] No!
MONA: Well, come on. [MONA exits followed by MARTHA]
[PAUSE]
[BARON pokes head round tree, checks all is clear before coming downstage followed by CLUT & MONT both nursing their heads and groaning.]
BARON: [to CLUT] Shh!
CLUT: [to MONT] Shh!
MONT: [to space behind] Shh!
BARON: [stops and is bumped into] Why don’t you ever watch where you’re going, you
brainless baboons?
CLUT: I say, steady on. You were the one who stopped.
MONT: Yes, why don’t you give hand signals?
BARON: [threatening] Hand signals! I’ll give you hand signals! [Hears a noise] Shhh!
CLUT: [to MONT] Shh!
MONT: [to space behind] Shh! [surprised to find FAN there, followed by CHOL.]
FAN: [to CHOL] Shh!
CHOL: [to space behind] Shh!
[CURTAINS CLOSE]
BARON: Now that YOU’ve lost the plan. [ALL point at FAN] I must get away before
that band of meddling morons has a chance to show it to the Duke.
FAN: Why are we hanging around then?
CHOL: Shouldn’t we be off?
BARON: You rotten rabble have been off for years. But I’m not going anywhere without all my gold. If I left it behind, someone dishonest might pinch it and I’m not having someone else profit from my years of pilfering. Shock, horror! They might even decide to put it in a….. bank! Back to Seizitt Hall! [EXIT]

SCENE 6: [Front of Curtains]
STICK: [entering through side door with COD] Hurry up! They’re waiting.
COD: [fanfares, announces] Their Graces, the Grand Old Duke and Duchess of York, Miss Melody, Miss Harmony, Miss Symphony and General Charlie.
[DUKE enters reading the plan, followed by DUCHESS, MEL, HAR & CHARLIE]
DUKE: [as he reads] Oh, no!
ALL: Oh, yes.
DUKE: [reading more] Oh, no!
ALL: Oh, yes.
DUKE: [reading more] Oh, no!!
ALL: Oh, yes.
STICK: [to COD] Slow reader, isn’t he?
COD: Sure is.
DUKE: [finishing] Oh, no, no, no, no, no!!
ALL: Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
DUKE: Baron Grabbit is planning to do the dirty.
ALL: We know.
DUKE: He’s going to give me the chop.
ALL: We know.
DUKE: To cut me off in my prime.
ALL: We know.
DUKE: To…
ALL: [interrupting] We know!
DUKE: We’re all doomed!
MEL: Uncle, now we know what Baron Grabbit plans, we can defend the city.
HAR: We can show him we’re not afraid.
CHARLIE: After all we’ve got 10,000 troops on our side.
[CRASH announces the return of the WITCHES.]
DUKE: W…w…w…what do you want?
WITCH 1: What do we want, you military mouse?
WITCH 2: We’re seeking revenge for the loss of our house.
WITCH 1: Your never-ending marching has caused it to crash
DUKE: But I hope you’re not planning to do anything rash.
WITCH 2: We’ve not got a roof! No insurance cover.
WITCH 1: We’ll have to get Morrishes to build us another.
DUKE: [stepping out of character] Well, if you do, check the woodwork and the boilers before signing the contract.
DUCHESS: [stepping out of character] And the lead work, oh, and the drains.
DUKE: Good points. And the roof tiles.
WITCH 1: Excuse me!
DUKE: Sorry.
WITCH 1: Sorry? Are you sure? [threatens] From this moment on
Your fortunes are fading and soon will be… gone! [WITCHES exit cackling]
DUKE: Oh dear, we are in a pickle and no mistake.
CHARLIE: We can’t give up without a fight! [STICK & COD faint.]
MEL & HAR: We told you not to say that.
CHARLIE: But we can’t.
SYM: [to DUKE as STICK & COD recover] With Charlie in charge, Uncle, we’ve got nothing to fear.
HAR: We can’t lose.
CHARLIE: To arms! Bar the gates!
[Everyone looks at STICK & COD, who wonder who CHARLIE is telling.]
STICK: [realising] Oh, you mean us. You want us to do that arming and gate-barring stuff, do you?
COD: As if we didn’t have enough to do round here. [They exit complaining.]
CHARLIE: [to DUKE] Have the soldiers got their weapons?
DUKE: I know one man has his pea-shooter. [DUKE begins to exit]
CHARLIE: And the others?
DUCHESS: They’ve got first aid boxes in case she faints.[ DUCHESS, MEL, HAR & SYM exit.]
CHARLIE: [calling offstage] Call the army! [The summons is echoed off stage several times by SOLDIERS.]

SCENE 7: ON PARADE at THE PALACE
[ALL SOLDIERS march on. HADD waves her pea-shooter with pride.]
CHARLIE: Up 2, 3, 4. Up 2, 3, 4. etc. Pick up your feet.
HADD: Why? We’ve only got to put them down again.
CHARLIE: Stand at ease. [SOLDIERS relax] Not that easy!
TROUT: [Has a great bandage round her foot] Sir. Sir. General, Sir. I can’t march. I’ve hurt my foot.
CHARLIE: How did you do that?
TROUT: Tim fell on it.
CHARLIE: Tim who?
TROUT: Tim…ber.
SKATE: Can anyone recommend anything for flat feet?
FLOUN: Have you tried a foot pump?
MINN: [to HALI] Do you know I couldn’t walk for a whole year?
HALI: When was that?
MINN: When I was a baby.
MACK: Talking of babies [to HAKE] You look a bit young for the army.
HAKE: I am. That’s why I joined the infantry.
CHARLIE: Silence in the ranks.
HADD: My boots let water in.
CHARLIE: [annoyed] So what, they let it out again, don’t they? [shouting off] Open the curtains!
STICK: [offstage] Open. Close. Open Close. I wish you could make your mind up. [STICK enters]
CHARLIE: Right troops, we have a problem.
HADD: What, like how many men does it take to fill a bath with buckets, if the buckets have holes in them?
CHARLIE: No…
STICK: [interrupting] Or like, if a woman with a wooden leg starts walking from Birmingham and a man on horseback has lost his key, what will the weather be like in Luton? [The SOLDIERS are very confused by this but try to work it out.]
CHARLIE: Look, I don’t mean that kind of problem at all!
SKATE: Thank goodness, I’ve never been any good at history.
CHARLIE: [confused] What!?
FLOUN: I wish I lived in olden times.
SKATE: Me, too. There wasn’t so much history about.
CHARLIE: [shouting] QUIET! [HADD immediately faints. The rest rush to help.]
HALI: [to CHARLIE] Now look what you’ve done. [HADD recovers.]
BREAM: [to CHARLIE] You beast!
CHARLIE: [trying to control his anger] The Grand Old Duke needs you to show bravery and courage in the struggle ahead. The same bravery and courage that Admiral Nelson showed at Trafalgar.
HALI: I can picture it now.
HADD: Me, too. What a sight it must have been.
SKATE: All those gallant British ships side by side.
PIKE: Guns firing at the enemy.
COD: The billowing white sails and the crashing waves.
STICK: Hand to hand. The smoke. Swords flashing in the sunlight.
HADD: Cannonballs zooming all over the place.
HALI: The RAF dropping bombs.
TROUT: And don’t forget Dr Who arriving in the nick of time.
SKATE: Just a minute. How did they manage to get all that lot into Trafalgar Square?
SOLDIERS: Good point.
FLOUN: That silly stone column thing takes up most of the space.
CHARLIE: [totally at a loss] No. Admiral Nelson didn’t fight in Trafalgar Square.
COD: We know that!
STICK: Of course, he didn’t! He stood on top of that column thing and let the others do the fighting for him.
CHARLIE: [just managing to stay calm] You don’t understand. The battle wasn’t in Trafalgar Square. It took place hundreds of miles from there.
MACK: [light dawns] I see. That’s why he needed his telescope!
PAUSE
CHARLIE: [taking a deep breath] Look, don’t any of you have any military knowledge?
MINN: I know that you should never hit a man when he’s down.
HALI: Why not?
MINN: `Cos he might get up again.
STICK: And I know you should keep cool and never lose your head.
HALI: And why’s that?
STICK: Cos if you lose your head, you won’t have anywhere to put your helmet.
HADD: [tugging CHARLIE’s sleeve to get his attention] I used to hunt lions in the Arctic.
CHARLIE: But there aren’t any lions in the Arctic.
HADD: Well, of course not, ‘cos I shot them all.
COD: That reminds me. I saw a tiger once.
STICK: Did you let him have both barrels?
COD: Both barrels? I let him have the whole gun.
[CHARLIE is a beaten man.]
MARTHA: [enters with MONA] Charlie, Charlie, there’s something huge, hungry and horrible in the woods. But now I’ve got my broom I feel much better.
CHARLIE: [aside to audience] Is everyone here mad, or is it just me?
COD: [noticing that DUKE is arriving, plays fanfare, announces] The Grand Old …. You know who. And the rest of them.
[ DUKE entering, waving with DUCHESS, MEL, HAR, SYM, POLLY & MARY.]
CHARLIE: Soldiers of York, attention! The Grand Old Duke wants to say a few words.
DUKE: I do?
DUCHESS: Yes, dear, you do.
DUKE: Um…hello.
SOLDIERS: Yoo…hoo!
DUKE: Right…here goes. [clears throat] Friends, Yeomen, Infantrymen.
MONA: That sounds familiar.
DUKE: It gives me great pleasure to declare this fete open. Oh, sorry, wrong speech.
[CRASH signals the return of the WITCHES, cackling]
WITCH 1: Sorry? Yes, you’ll be sorry before we’re through with you.
WITCH 2: You may have thought our plan a bluff. But, no, it will come true!
WITCH 1: And let’s be clear, you’ve lots to fear, because it is our will
WITCH 2: That all of you forever more will conga up our hill.
PAUSE
DUKE: I beg your pardon. Did you say ‘conga’?
WITCH 2: [out of character] We thought about making you march up and down, but
that’s a bit too obvious, isn’t it?
DUKE: And you came up with ‘conga’?
WITCH 1: Inspired, eh?
DUKE: Very!
WITCH 1: Actually, it was that writer chappie again.
[back to business] You’ll conga to the very top, and conga down again.
Up and down both day and night, in sunshine or in rain.
WITCH 2: You’ll conga up. You’ll conga down. [DUKE & SOLDIERS, etc moan] Don’t bother to moan and groan. Save your energy for conga-ing. If you stop, you’ll turn to stone! [Cackle]
WITCH 1: [casting spell on sound technician] Oh, Mr Music maker, play the music. Make it loud [Conga music starts] [To DUKE, et al] Now show us all the power of dance, you conga-dancing crowd.
[In spite of everything DUKE, etc cannot resist and conga out of the hall. [CURTAINS CLOSE]
WITCHES: Oh, Grabbit! Where are you?
[BARON creeps on and grovels]
WITCH 1: Oh that was fun. I really love a truly wicked spell!
WITCH 2: And an evil plan for a nasty man that turns out really well!
WITCH 1: Grabbit, we’ve kept our word, and now, our friend, it’s you who have the power!
WITCH 1: The Old Duke’s gone.
WITCH 2: His throne is yours. No need to cringe and cower.
BARON: Oh, thank you! Thank you!
WITCH 1: Come, crones, away.
WITCH 2: The moon is up and I have an urge to fly! [WITCHES exit cackling.]
BARON: If Mummy and Daddy could see me now, how proud they would be! Three cheers for Baron Grabbit, the brand new Duke of York. Hip…hip…Hooray!
[BARON exits]

SCENE 8: BACK IN THE WOODS
[SOLDIERS (STICK, CUTT, HADD, COD, SKATE, FLOUN, TROUT, HALI, MINN, MACK) , DUKE, DUCHESS, MEL, HAR, SYM, MARTHA, POLLY, MARY and MONA enter conga-ing through Hall.]
DUKE: This is Strictly Come Torture!
DUCHESS: Amazing!
MARTHA: I want to be voted off!
DUCHESS: Really? I’m quite enjoying it.
ALL: What!!?
DUCHESS: [to DUKE] Don’t you remember, dearest, how we used to dance?
DUKE: There was a time I was into song and dance. But now all I can manage is tea and TV.
POLLY: [to MONA about DUKE & DUCHESS] They’re a lovely couple aren’t they?
MONA: You mean, he’s willing to die for her, and she’s happy to let him?
DUCHESS: Dancing makes me feel young again. I don’t look 35, do I?
MONA: [aside] No, but I bet she did when she was.
MARTHA: It’s no good. I can’t go on.
POLLY: You can’t stop. You’ll turn to stone.
MARTHA: But these shoes are killing me.
MARY: I’m not surprised. You’re wearing them on the wrong feet.
MARTHA: How could I be wearing them on the wrong feet? They’re the only feet I’ve got.
MEL: What are we going to do?
HAR: We can’t keep on forever.
SYM: Where’s Charlie?!
HAR: Oh, no! He must have stopped conga-ing!
MEL: And been turned to stone!
SYM: Stood stock still somewhere.
MEL: Standing stationary like a statue!
HAR: Surely Charlie’s made of sterner stuff.
MEL: He’d never stop.
SYM: He’s sturdy
HAR: Strong and steadfast!
MONA: [wiping spittle from her face] But where is he?
MARTHA: Lost, lost and never called me, Martha!
SYM: [calling] Charlie! [PAUSE: to audience] Do you know where he is? No?
HAR: Perhaps you could help call him, could you?..[YES] Thank you.
MEL: Let’s all shout Charlie at the count of 3. Ready? I, 2, 3.
ALL: Charlie! [NO REPLY]
MEL: Let’s try again, a bit louder. I, 2, 3….
ALL Charlie! [NO REPLY]
MEL: One last go. As loud as you can. 1, 2, 3…
ALL: Charlie!!
CHARLIE: [from lighting gallery] Hello!
MEL: Where are you?
CHARLIE: Up here.
HAR: What are you doing up there?
CHARLIE: Pulling Norman’s plug.
[PAUSE]
DUKE: We’re not sure we heard you properly. You’re doing what?
CHARLIE: Pulling Norman’s plug… and conga-ing at the same time. Which isn’t easy, let me tell you.
NORMAN: Don’t do it!
CHARLIE: Norman, step away from the socket.
NORMAN: Never!!
[NOISE & LIGHT effect as conga music is turned off. Everyone stops conga-ing. CHARLIE enters.]
ALL: Well done, Charlie / Bravo / My hero / My feet! / etc
CHARLIE: We’ve not won yet, you know. We’ve still got to deal with Baron Grabbit and his gang.
ALL: Absolutely!
CHARLIE: So let’s be off to Seizitt Hall and seize them all! [CURTAINS OPEN. All cheer and exit singing, except MARTHA.]
POLLY: Come on, Martha.
MARTHA: It’s no good. I can’t walk another step.
POLLY: But…
MARTHA: But me no buts, Polly, unless you want to feel the backside of my broom.
I’ll be fine here. [not convincing] After all what could possibly go wrong while I’m all alone in the deep dark woods at midnight?
CHARLIE: [from offstage] Come on, Polly.
MARTHA: You go and help save York. I’ll have a quiet sit down on the nearest available tuffet. [POLLY exits. MARTHA makes herself comfortable. During the following SIDNEY a GIANT SPIDER enters, AUDIENCE reaction!] There’s nothing better than putting your feet up after you’ve been made to conga up hill and down dale, let me tell you. A bowl of curds and whey would make the evening perfect. [to Audience] You’re making a lot of noise. Please keep it down…. [MARTHA engages with the audience – a lot of BEHIND YOU BUSINESS] What do you mean there’s a giant spider behind me. I’m Miss Martha Muffet and I can smell a spider a mile away. There’s no spider here.
AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, there is, etc.
[Chase ends with MARTHA victorious. WITCHES enter. They are very upset]
WITCHES: Oh, Sidney, what has she done to you?
MARTHA: Sidney?!
WITCH 1: Sidney’s our pet spider. He wouldn’t hurt a fly.
MARTHA: He might not hurt a fly – which is a bit odd seeing he’s a spider – but he was certainly trying to hurt me.
SPIDER: [very annoyed] I was not!
MARTHA: Eugh! That’s so wrong. Spiders shouldn’t be able to speak.
SPIDER: Hah! Typical prejudice. Spiders For Justice are going to hear about you. I suppose spiders should just silently spin webs all day, should we?… Well, should we?
WITCH 1: Now, Sidney, don’t go getting yourself into a tizzy.
SPIDER: [like a Grand Actor] ‘To spin or not to spin that is the question.
Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And, by opposing, end them.’ [SPIDER expects applause from the audience]
WITCH 2: Sidney, think of your blood pressure. Remember what Doctor Dolittle said.
SPIDER: [like a Grand Actor] ‘To die, to sleep.
To sleep, perchance to dream.
Ah, there’s the web.’
[back as SIDNEY] Just answer me this, Miss Sit-on-a-Tuffet Know-It-All. Who’s got more right to be in the deepest darkest woods at midnight, a silly little nursery rhyme nobody or a grand Shakespearean spider? Well? Answer me that! Go on! You can’t, can you? Well, can you?
WITCH 1: Calm down, Sidney.
SPIDER: I will not calm down! [to MARTHA] You know what you are, Miss Curds-and-Whey? You’re just jealous!
MARTHA: Jealous!! Me? Of what?
SPIDER: Of my worldwide web-making skill for a start.
MARTHA: As if!
SPIDER: Not to mention my superior acting talent!
MARTHA: You’re right, we shouldn’t mention it!
SPIDER: [spluttering with rage] What!! What!!! I am a grand actor... I’ve been nominated. Twice!
MARTHA: Did it hurt?
SPIDER: [to WITCHES] Hold me back, sisters. Hold me back, or I

Submitted by: andrew       On: 29/3/2011 at: 20:57       Location: Drimpton

Pantomime - The Programme

Here are the details from the programme showing who did what and proving once again that a small community - population less than 400 - can make a big thing happen.

The GRAND OLD DUKE OF YORK
The 9th Drimpton Village Pantomime
26th March 2011

THE GOODIES:
DUKE of YORK Brian Hesketh
DUCHESS of YORK Leigh Carroll-Smith
MELODY Charlotte Marshall
HARMONY Rosie Marshall
SYMPHONY Olivia Bryant

The Soldiers of the Duke of York’s Army:
SERGEANT STICKLEBACK Jack Marriage
CORPORAL COD Tom Beck
CORPORAL HADDOCK Lottie Hyde
CORPORAL CUTTLEFISH Holly Marriage
TROOPER TROUT James Russ
TROOPER SKATE Verity Russ
TROOPER HALIBUT Caitlin Corbett
TROOPER FLOUNDER Emily Russ
PRIVATE MINNOW Emily Chubb
PRIVATE MACKEREL Grace Bellorini
PRIVATE PIKE Harry Rawlings
PRIVATE HAKE Rosa Bellorini
PRIVATE SARDINE Matthew Medley
PRIVATE BREAM Abigail Lock
PRIVATE PILCHARD Alfie Rawlings
PRIVATE SPRAT Isabel Chubb
PRIVATE CARP Amy House
with
Mrs SHOAL, Infantry Auntie Anne Horne
Mrs SQUID, Infantry Auntie Kate Hesketh

and featuring
CHARLIE CHIZZLEWICK Robert Fooks

People of York:
MARTHA MUFFET Ella Horne
POLLY MUFFET Grace Dawson
MARY MUFFET Emily Elliott
MONA LOTT, maid Kate Hesketh
Mrs ROW, postwoman Kay Porteous

*****************
THE BADDIES:
AMMONIA ASHTRAY, Witch Katie Hunt
FROSTIA FUNGUS, Witch Jo Molony
SIDNEY, their pet Alex Gibbons

BARON GRABBIT of SEIZITT HALL John Horne

The Baron’s Gang:
MONTMORENCY Bob Shepherd
CLUTTERBUCK Mel Newman
CHOLMONDELEY Nina Corbett
FANSHAWE Alan Clark
and
IGOR, the Baron’s servant Rod Bracher

********************

Duke of York’s PIANIST Carol Saunders

SET, SCENERY & PROPS: Jenny Beck, Bob & Joyce Gray, Maurice Blogg, Ann & Phil Hyde, Mel Newman, Hilary & Mike Baker, Kim Holt, Ella Horne, Grace Dawson, Deirdre Young, John Lock & Cast

COSTUMES: Rosemary Shepherd, Kate Hesketh, Anne Horne, Marianne New, Hilary Baker, Jane Marsden & Cast

SOLDIERS’ HATS: Mary & Sam Trott

MAKE-UP: Joanna Medley

LIGHTING: Ken Banks

SOUND: Norman Marsden

REFRESHMENTS: Beryl Banks, Sue Rawlings, Joanna House
and their teams

BAR: Barbara & John Wright

PROMPT: Barbara Wright

BOX OFFICE &: Stan Sach
PUBLICITY

TICKET SALES: Ann Harris, Alan Clark, Neville Adams,
Tessa Goble

SCRIPT & DIRECTION: Andrew Pastor

THANKS:
To everyone who has supported the cast and the production and given their time, energy, talent and enthusiasm
To Drimpton Village Hall & Netherhay Chapel for providing facilities


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